you once dreamed of this

One of my twins has started doing this thing where he’s nursing, and then gets distracted by something and jerks his head to look at it (normal), but doesn’t detach and it feels like my nipple is just being suctioned off my body. Oh man, it hurts so much. I find that after this happens my instinct is to look at him and just repeat "I love you, I love you."

It reminds me of something heard on a Trevor Noah podcast. He was talking about a lesson from a monk who said that the things we find ourselves complaining about now were often the very things we once dreamed of and agonized over for years.

I remember this happening with my first child. When he was a few months old and I was just rocking him in the dark bathroom while he screamed in my ear - for what seemed like an hour. And me, reciting my mantra, "I love you, I love you..."

I guess what else are you supposed to do during those hard times? The times where your mind and your body seem to be operating in two different dimensions - your body is so tired, but your mind knows that it’s up to you to keep this little being alive.

Or your body is in so much pain, but your mind knows that your kid isn’t doing this intentionally to hurt you.

This is my way of putting into practice the concept from the book Thinking, Fast and Slow, by Daniel Kahneman. The fast, visceral reaction is to feel frustrated or overwhelmed. But my slow, intentional thought—my mantra—is to remove myself from that feeling and remind myself of why I’m doing all of this. What is keeping me going?

I admit, this is much harder to do when the challenging moment involves my partner. When we're both running on empty, with very little buffer, it's easy to snap. But I'm writing this not just for myself, but to remind myself that my partner deserves that same grace as well. He is also in the thick of it with me, and my love for him is just as strong as it is for our children.

My hope is that he'll do the same. We are both in this together, and I should remind him that he too once DREAMED OF ME. 😂